Sounding Off, by AC

Given the circumstances of today and the things that have been said or gone on in the past couple of months I guess it's time I've said a couple of things.  You don't have to agree, you don't have to disagree - but one thing I've always promised EVERYONE that I've known is that I'm going to give it to you real cause that's how I roll. So here it goes.

Many of you have asked me what the NOH8 picture is all about; well you can visit the website for the full details, but it is a campaign started by my friend Adam Bouska and it started out as just being against Proposition 8 which is against gay marriage, but over time has grown to be about equality not only in sexual orientation, but race, age, religion, and any form of discrimination. It is mainly about LOVE and yes I support it. You may be still wondering but if you don't know by now - which would surprise me - yes I am GAY.

I started coming out to friends and family about almost a year or two now, but still some people wonder, probably because I kept letting peoples' opinion of me change who I portrayed myself to be one way or the other. I mean you would have thought I was crazy seeing the edits back and forth I've done just to my Facebook profile, depending on how much I loved or hated myself as each day went by and depending on who I came into contact with and how they reacted to me, and it's taken a long time to get to a place where God and myself had a conversation because it's honestly been months - maybe even a year - that I have dived into the Bible as deeply as I use to because although I found some things encouraging, I found others that frightened me. No I still don't have all the answers today, but that's between me and my savior. For now I'm just stuck being who I am, doing the best I can, and hoping that God is proud of me still.  Although I have not read as much, those who know me know that I am always deep in prayer throughout each and every day and I still go to church like I always did, and no it's not a "Gay Affirming" church even though that might be best for others. I think church is church and I don't mind hearing truth as long as it's not transformed into something else, plus my church understands that no matter who you are you need Love and you need Jesus and fellowship.

Through my coming out, I've lost some friends, gained some friends, all who stayed thank you, you strengthen me ever day, those who choose to leave, thank you, you've taught me a lot along the way.  I still love everyone of you because my love for you won't change because you don't agree with me or because you believe something I don't, that's not what love is about and if you don't get that I certainly can't explain it to you, but I thank you for asking. I never seek to fight with anyone only to love them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm still the same AC who dances like crazy, who loves you like crazy, who hugs you tightly when I see you, who texts you I love you in the middle of the day, who goes to church and sits by you, who goes to the club and has a drink with you, who still values his body and his beliefs, who loves God as best he can, and who writes these notes hoping to touch someone's heart, I'm just the same AC who was, is, and will always be gay, except now I'm being honest about it.  Nothing more, nothing less, I don't know where my life will take me from here after all being gay is not my whole life just a part of it, a part I've hated myself for and have fought to change for 27 years, and now when I look back I wish I had loved myself more during that time and not wasted it trying to change something that just is, especially those lonely nights when I came close many times to hurting myself in ways I don't want to discuss except with my therapist haha, but not really funny, but I made it through that time and I love myself too much to let anyone make me go back to that place and you can take that however you like it just is what it is baby.

Anyhow, lastly, if you'd like to talk to me I more than welcome the conversation, but let's begin with NO hate, all love - cause pushing me away from you won't do anything but cause pain not only for you, but for me, and I've got to think it would cause God pain as well. He wants all of His people to come together and no matter what I am, I'm first and foremost and always will be a child of God and NO one can't take that away from me - so don't even think about trying!

I end this note with love to each and every one of you, and who knows maybe I did touch a few hearts, that's always my goal.  May you feel the love I have for each and everyone of you everyday cause I know I feel yours and I thank you for it! From the top and bottom of my heart.

AC